The Inner Struggle

January has been hard for me.  We have our Christmas decorations down, but still not put away.   There is a underlying sense of clutter and chaos lurking around the circus, rather than the clean slate, fresh start of a new year.    I long for a good, deep clean to get things in order, top to bottom and help me to feel on top of things once again.   But, it seems each day I am pulled by the more immediate needs of the day… sick kids… volunteering at school, entertaining guests, New Years cards (never got to the Christmas cards, did print New Years cards and really wanted them mailed before Feb), and school work.  At the end of the day, I am working on dinner and cleaning up dinner and then this pregnant momma has no energy to tackle the deep cleaning… or to be honest, even the laundry for that matter.  And so, I plop myself down on the couch and watch some of Lost season 5 with my hubby, before retiring to bed, hopeful that tomorrow will find me with more time and more energy. 

This morning, I had had it.   One can only turn her head on the mess so many times.  I was eager to dive in and take control of the house.  Win it back from the evil clutter monster and rid myself of the stress. 

But it was Bible Study day. 

And thus began the inner struggle. 

If I go to Bible study, we’ll be gone for 2 hrs, the key 2 hrs of the day when the kids play nice and I can usually accomplish something.  I’ll come home and it’ll be time for lunch, then naps, then school, then dinner prep.  And another day will go by with the couch overflowing with laundry to be folded, the hallway filled with clothes to be washed, and bedrooms strewn with toys. 

Every day of the week it has been something.  Monday, my turn to volunteer at the tutorial… out of the house till 2, Tuesday… our day at home… I made a dent in things, even got the Christmas New Years cards ready to go out, but then the afternoon was spent with baths, and a visit to two friends homes.  Wednesday I dropped my son off at school, took my daughter to gymnastics, did a quick grocery store run, then headed home to unload groceries, make lunch, and go back to pick my son up.   Tomorrow morning we have to go to the pediatrician to get my daughter’s stitches out and Saturday and Sunday are booked solid with plans. 

All of these things are good things, but when will I tackle my house? 

So, I really didn’t want to go to Bible Study and I told my husband.  I wanted to stay home, let the kids play while I cleaned and then do schoolwork in the afternoon.  But I knew that was not a good reason to skip.  I knew I should want to go to Bible study.  And my kids learn so much from their classes.  Am I going to really choose cleaning house over the spiritual development of my family?

I really wanted to.

But, alas, we got dressed, fought over brushing hair, found shoes, and scrambled to the van to scrape the windshield and arrive 20 min late to Bible study.  I sent my husband this e-mail as I raced out the door.

Subject: leaving for bsf


  with grouchy kids, stressed mom, and a messy house...

pray for my attitude.

love, me

I’ll be honest.  I typically do not put in all the time and effort required to full glean from my Bible study.  All too often, I am merely warming the seat.  And when it comes time for the lecture on the passage… I quite often mentally check out as I think of the tasks awaiting me at home.

But today, today, God had a message for me.  I know he wanted me there.  The sermon (for lack of better word) had me.  I could totally relate it to a situation in my life.  And I was convicted of my lack of faith in this area.   I was presented with an opportunity for growth and even for encouraging someone else in my life, and I would have totally missed it, if I had stayed home to clean.  And even though none of me wanted to go this morning, and my reasons for going weren’t holy or devout, God still mercifully spoke His message to me today.  The Holy Spirit touched my heart and gave me a word of hope and encouragement.  One I would have missed to stay home with grouchy kids and a messy house.